Turning very serious games into random stupidity? Challenge accepted
by whatamidoing765
Summary: I take a break from normal writing and make DW characters act out the silliest and stupidest things from any comedy thing I have watched. Basically parodies of things you would not see them parodying.
1. Chapter 1

**Cao Pi sees a bunch of grapes lying on the ground and points at it.**

**"Die, grapes!" **

**"Nooooooooooooooo" **

***SPLAT* Cao Pi steps on it.**

***static transition***

**Sun Quan looks around on his table. "Zhou Tai, where's my sandwich?"**

**"I am your sandwich." Zhou Tai forces his body into Sun Quan's mouth. (That sounded dirty...)**

***static transition***

**Zhuge Liang stares at a cactus and explains to Jiang Wei. "Now Jiang Wei, do not touch that cactus." Jiang Wei gets magnetically stuck to the cactus. Zhuge Liang gets angry, "YOU'RE DEAD TO ME."**

***static transition***

**Cao Cao is next to an unconscious Cao Pi. "Help! Is anyone a doctor?" Sima Yi runs up to them, "I'm a doctor!" Cao Cao points at him saying,****"Well you're a nerd!" Cao Cao hi-fives the dead Cao Pi.**

***static transition***

**Sima Yi runs up to Guo Huai. "You've got to help me! My hat is evil and its going to kill me!" Guo Huai walks away slowly. Sima Yi looks up at his hat, "Please don't hurt me..." The hat mwahahahahahas. **

***static transition***

**Sima Zhao stares at a button that says "pointless button" and presses it. It does nothing. "Hmph."**

***static transition***

**Zhang Liao walks up to Xu Huang and Xu Huang punches him. "Ah! What the hell's wrong with you?" **

**LEVEL UP**

***static transition***

**Li Dian was standing next to Zhang He. "Hey, do you know who's gay? You-" Zhang He had a claw protruding out of Li Dian. "Oh, come on!" **

***static transition***

**Deng Ai goes up to Sima Shi. "I made you a meatbun!"**

**"Oh boy! What flavor?" Deng Ai says it dramatically, "Meatbun flavored." Another smaller meatbun pops out of that meatbun slowly. **

***static transition***

**Bao Sanniang says out, I like singing!" Guan Suo says out,"I like cats singing!" Guan Xing says, "I like trains." Then a train hits him.  
**

***static transition***

**Cao Pi points at grapes again. "Die grapes!" The bunch of grapes takes out a gun. "Not today." Cao Pi is shocked.**

***static transition***

**Jia Xiu laughs, "Haha, they said I could never teach a llama to drive!"**

**Meeeeeehhhh! The llama drives to the edge of a cliff. **

**"No, llama, no!" The llama drives off the cliff.**

***static transition***

**Zhou Yu yells out to Sun Ce wearing a doctor's outfit. "Doctor! I think I may be a homosexual!" **

**"How can you tell?"**

**RAIIINNNBBBOOOWSSS! Zhou Yu barfs rainbows in Sun Ce's face. **

***static transition***

**Han Dang yells out, "Tiger cub fight!" Sun Jian yells out,"No! I'm allergic to adorableness!" The tiger cub hits his face. He takes it into his hands. It had a cutesy face on. "Aww..." **

**Tombstone that says ****RIP **

***static transition***

**Guan Yu talks to Guan Xing. "What are you up to, son?" **

**"I like trains."**

**"Hahah...Yes, you do..."**

***static transition***

**Xiahou Dun is standing next to Zhang He, "Hey, do you know who's gay? You-" The train runs both of them down.**

***static transition***

**Sima Zhao says while about to eat a meatbun. "I can't wait to eat this meatbun!" Sima Shi says with a monotone voice, "Yes, you can."**

**"Yeah, I guess you're right..."**

***static transition***

**Sima Shi stares at a squashed meatbun under a carriage wheel. "Who parked their carriage...on my meatbun?" Zhuge Dan says out, "I did." **

**"GWAHYUUHHGJAH!" Sima Shi gets so mad he blows up that takes along Zhuge Dan and the carriage. *BOOM***

***static transition***

**Ling Tong says out, "Hey, look at my new dog." Gan Ning looks and say, "Oh, that's pretty co-" He sees nothing. "Awww, there's no dog!" Ling Tong bellow out to him and Gan Ning bellows out back to him. Then they both are bellowing at each other.**

***static transition***

**Li Dian was about to enjoy a salad until Xiahou Dun pushes him and punches the salad. **

**DING**

**BANG**

**DING**

**"Ah! What's wrong with you? Stop man! Cut it out! I don't want this!"**

***static transition***

**Xu Shu holds up a gun to his head. "Goodbye world..." **

**"Ok Xu Shu, I'll see ya around-" *BAM* "Oh! No! That's not what I meant at all!"**

***static transition***

**Sun Ce points at Taishi Ci and gasps. "There's something on your face!" Ce punches him. "It was pain!"**

***static transition***

**Back to Xiahou Dun punching the salad. With Li Dian whining about it. "Oh! What's happening? Why are you doing this? I can't even-"**

**"I AM PUNCHING YOUR SALAD!" **

**"NOOOOOOOO!"**

***static transition***

**"Honey, why is the baby on fire?" Sima Yi looks at a baby Sima Shi in flames. Zhang Chunhua flails around."Buy me more jewelry!" (Oh my god, that is just...eh...I can't even...That is the most silliest thing I made her ever do! Well...good luck getting that out of your head...) **

***static transition***

**Li Dian was punching Xiahou Dun as he was punching the salad.**

***static transition***

**Lu Xun holds up a gun. "Hey guys, check out my new camera!" He shoots Lu Meng. "Oh wait, this isn't the camera."**

***static transition***

**"Die grapes!"**

**"Noooooooo!" Cao Pi was about to step on the grapes until Guan Xing says, "I like trains." **

**"No, no,no! Wait!" The train runs over Cao Pi. **

***static transition***

**Gan Ning was skating across an open area. Lu Meng yells at him, "Hey kid! You can't skate here!" **

**"You can't tell me what to do!" Gan Ning blows up because he was skating over a land mine.**

***static transition***

**Cao Cao shouts to Guo Jia. "Hey, play me that one where you fall down the stairs!" **

**"Sure thing!" Guo Jia falls down stairs and onto a piano. Cao Cao yells out, "I love it!"**

***static transition***

**Yue jin comes out of another him in front of Zhang Liao. "Oh."**

***static transition***

**Sima Zhao looks at a meatbun. "I want to be a meatbun!" The next scene is a meatbun sitting on a table. Zhang Chunhua cries out, "Zhao, no!" **

***static transition***

**Cao Pi tells Sima Yi, "Nice hat."**

**"Thanks."**

**"I was being sarcastic." **

**"Well, I stole your face." Cao Pi places his hand on his now-no-face head.**

***static transition***

**Yue Ying's voice is heard, "Honey, do you like my new shoes?" Zhuge Liang was reading the newspaper.****"You are a chair, darling." **

**"I could dream, Zhuge Liang!"**

***static transition***

**Xiahou Ba comes out of a machine. "It worked! My time machine work-" He gets stepped on by a dinosaur that had Wen Yang's voice. "I am a stegosaurus!" **

***static transition***

**Pang De points a gun at Guo Jia. "You gettin' mugged, kid!"**

**"No, you're getting mugged." Pang De drops his gun and raises his hands. "Ah! How the hell does that even work?!"**

***static transition***

**Guan Yinping says, "When I grow up, I want to go to the moon!" **

**"Why wait?" Guan Ping kicks her high up into the stars.**

***static transition***

**Diao Chan and Lu Bu were laying on the grass, looking up at the moon. "It's so beautiful out here."**

**"Yeah, it's just me, you, and the moon." The moon says out in Chen Gong's voice, "Hey! You two should kiss!"**

***static transition***

**"I wonder if my pony can fly?" The pony in front of Ma Chao floats up away from him. "Huh."**

**"static transition***

**Zhang Bao goes up to Guan Xing. "I'm going to punch you in the face!"**

**"But it's opposite day."**

**"Nooooo-" Zhang Bao's own fist hits him in the face.**

***static transition***

**Zhuge Liang was standing in front of the Shu kids."Welcome to standing up school." Liu Shan fall flat on his face. "Annnnd you fail."**

***static***

**Knock! Knock! Sima Zhao answers,"Who's there?" The door slams him onto the wall. THE DOOR!**

***static***

**Xiahou Yuan says to Guo Huai. "Hey, did you know carrots are good for your eyesight?" Guo Huai takes carrots and jams them into his eyes. "You lied to me."**

***static***

**Jia Chong slides in front of Sima Shi, Sima Zhao, Wang Yuanji, and Zhuge Dan. He then dances in the air before yelling out, "EVERYONE DO THE FLOP!" Everyone falls flat on their face. (This is going to scar me...)**

***static***

**Hi meatbun! **

**I used to be a pig.**

**...Oh...**

***static***

**Ma Chao's pony was flying through the air. Cao Ren sees it and tells Dian Wei next to him,"Shoot it down." Dian Wei gets a rocket launcher and shoots the pony. **

***static***

**Zhang Fei says to little Xing Cai, "What are you doing, honey?"**

**"I'm drawing a bear!" The drawing was on Xu Chu, and he goes down to swallow her whole in front of Zhang Fei. (Cannibalism!) **

***static***

**Li Dian runs up to Yue Jin. "Quick! Don't think about cats!" Yue Jin then pukes cats onto his face. **

***static***

**Sun Shang Xiang yells out, "Hey, do you want to play catch the knife?" Lian Shi says, "Sure!" She gets shot in the head. "Man, I suck at this game." SSX was staring at her hand that was holding a gun.**

***static***

**Deng Ai has a little Sima Zhao and is talking to Zhang Chunhua. "Ma'am, I caught your son doing..." He gets dramatic. "HOMEWORK." **

**"Where did I go wrong?!" **

***static***

**Guo Jia slides over to Cai Wenji's direction. "Hey. Are you an angel? Because I'm allergic to feathers." He pukes in her face.**

***static***

**Wen Yang gets into Sima Zhao's face and say in a dramatic voice. "I am a very tall midget."**

***static***

**Ma dai tells Xu Shu, "Hey, turn that frown upside-down!"**

**"Okay." Xu Shu snaps his own neck and falls. (I'm so sorry...)**

***static* **

**"Hey, nice hat."****Zhang He takes Sima Yi's hat and puts it on. The hat comes down onto him with a squish. **

***static***

**Ma Chao was hanging over the cliff. "Save me, Zhao Yun!"**

**"No." Ma Chao falls off. "Yoou'rrree aaaa diiiiickkk!"**

***static***

**Sima Shi was making fruit talk. "Hey, hey. Hey, apple!" Sima Yi and Zhang Chunhua were watching him. "Well, we've failed." Sima Yi takes out a shotgun and aims. "Don't look, honey." **

* * *

**All of this was asdf. Go onto Youtube and type that to check out all the videos this guy has on that. I do not own this. I did make a few changes to the script to fit with the character. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Zhang He and Zhang Chunhua walk out of separate dressing rooms in the same dress. They both look at each other. "Well, one of us has to go change." Zhang Chunhua looks at him funny. He sighs and goes back into the dressing room. **

**Gan Ning has five fans blowing towards him. Ling Tong takes one. "Gan Ning, you're hogging all the fans." As he was using that fan, Gan Ning retorts,"Well...You're hogging all the ugly!"**

**Sima Shi walks into a room with Zhang Chunhua lying on the bed. He continues to call her and she doesn't answer. "Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mama, mama, mama, mama, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, mum, mum, mum ,mum, mum, mum, mommy, mommy, mommy, mama, mama-" Zhang Chunhua gets up and yells, "WHAT?!" **

**"Hi." Sima Shi runs away all giggly.**

**"THE SIDE BOOB HOUR?!" Lian Shi gives Sun Quan a lecture."Sun Quan, that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me with no other choice. I called the FCC."**

**"Oh yeah, I know all about the FCC." **

***lively musical number plays***

**"They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this." Sun Ce sings, "They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss." Zhou Yu sings, "They will make you call fellatio a "trouser-friendly kiss." **

**It's the plain situation. There's no negotiation.**

**With the fellas at the frickin' FCC.**

***The rest of the footage was not found due to extreme laziness to bother typing up the whole song* **

**Liu Bei looks around as kids were drinking lemonade. "Wow, Zhuge Liang, I gotta say. This lemonade stand was a good idea. It's selling pretty well."**

**"That's because it has my secret ingredient." Zhuge Liang holds up a bottle. "Vodka." The view switches to Zhang Bao talking to Guan Xing drunk. "You know what we should do? You know what we should do? We should get on our horses and go. Just go...and...start a business..."**

**"You know? I've never told anyone this. But...YOU'RE so good...at cursive..."**

**Guo Jia was cutting carpet. Zhen Ji tells him, "Guo Jia, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet."**

**"Well you know, Zhen Ji, I gotta confess, when you called me, I sorta misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over. But- You know what? It's fine. I'm happy to help.****" Cao Cao walks down the stairs. "What the hell is this?"**

**"Cao cao, I've had it with all your shocking. Since you won't get rid of those pajamas, I'm getting rid of the carpet." Guo Jia points out a tiny spot with carpet. "Hey, Zhen Ji, do you want me to leave a little strip of this thing? I don't know, maybe a lighting bolt?**** Or an unicorn?"**

**"No. I want it all gone, Guo Jia." **

**"Alright, we're going Brazilian!" He tears the carpet off. **

**Lian Shi holds up a paper to Lu Xun. "What do you see here?" Lu Xun stares at her chest with the paper. "Two D's and an F."**

**Xiahou Ba says, "And I got a job following fat people around with a tuba." Cutaway shows Xu Chu walking. Xiahou Ba hops out of a bush to play the tuba while walking behind him. "Stop it! Cut it out! I have a glandular problem!" He trips and falls while Xiahou Ba makes the tuba make a low sound. "That'll be sixty dollars." **

**Sima Zhao walks out of the shower and comes across Sima Shi. "Shi? Uh...hey."**

**"Hey there! So...uh...it's been twenty-four hours. Got my money?"**

**"Oh, ah, you know what? Just give me till next Friday. I'll have it for you by then. "**

**"Oh. Well, that's funny. I could have sworn I said to have it today."**

**"Yeah, I don't have it, sorry."  
**

**"Oh, alright then." Sima Shi drinks his cup. "Mm, that's good OJ." He goes to break the cup onto Zhao's head. "AAAAAHHHH!"**

**"Did that hurt?" **

**"What the hell?!"**

**"Yeah, doesn't feel so good, doesn't it? No, huh?" He goes to step on Zhao's leg, snapping it. "AAAAH!" Sima Shi goes to punch to him a couple of times then throws him. "OH! Ah!"**

**"Yeah, that's what happens, man." He continues to kick him and goes down to punch saying, "Where's my money? Are you gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?"**

***CENSORED THE REST FOR OBVIOUS REASONS***

**Sima Zhao walks in front of Sima Yi in bandages and casts. "What the hell happened to you?" Sima Shi walks out at the same time he was saying that and looks at Zhao. "Um...I fell down the stairs..."**

**"Oh, you should be more careful."**

**Sima Zhao puts on a fake moustache and walks by Sima Shi that was playing golf. "Morning."**

**"Good day to you sir. What the hell?!" **

**"Ah ah!" Sima Shi runs after him to push him down stairs. When he's on the ground, he tries to get up, but Shi hits him with a golf club. "I'm tired of you ducking me, man."**

**"Oh my god!" Shi hits him again. And some more. "Yeah. Yeah. Getting really tired. Huh?"**

**"Ah! Gah! Oh!" **

**BAM BANM BANG**

**"Oh! Aw! Argh!"**

**"Where's my money? You've got money to pay for fake moustaches, huh? Yeah, how much you pay for that fake moustache?"**

**"2.99." Sima Shi takes out a gun to shoot him in the knee. "AAAAAAHHHH! Ow! Ow! AH! Listen, you've gotta give me more time- " Shi shoots him in the other knee. "Don't make a fool out of me, man!" He pistol-whips Zhao. "Don't make a fool out of me! Where's my money?"**

**"Listen...Shi...OH MY GOD!" Sima Shi has a flamethrower and shoots flames onto Sima Zhao. "AAAAAAAHHHHHH! AHHHHH!" He stops and goes up to him. "Alright, let's go to the bank." **

**No fandom is complete without a The Hangover parody trailer. Guo Jia is Doug. Cao Pi is Phil. Sima Yi is Stu. Jia Xiu is Alan. **

**Jia Xiu: "If you want to go to Vegas without me, that's totally cool."**

**Guo Jia: "What are you talking about?"**

**Jia Xiu: "Well, Cao Pi and Sima Yi are your buddies, and it's your bachelor party."**

**Guo Jia: "Those two love you." The shot changes to Jia Xiu is in his underwear. **

**Koei Bros. logo **

**Zhang Chunhua:"Boys and their bachelor parties. It's gross."**

**Sima Yi: "It is gross."**

**Zhang Chunhua: "I just wished your friends were as mature as you." **

**Sima Yi: "They are mature, actually. You just...got to get to know them better..."**

**Cao Pi on answering machine: "Paging Dr. Douchebag!"**

**Scene changes to Jia Xiu standing on his feet in the car with the rest of them in the back and Guo Jia driving. "WWWHHHOO!"**

**Cao Pi:"Now this is Vegas!"**

**The four toast on top of the roof. **

**Cao Pi: "To a night we'll never forget."**

**All: "Cheers!"**

**Scenes later...**

**Sima Yi wakes up on his face as a chicken walks by him. "Ugh..."**

**Cao pi: "What happened last night?" ****Jia Xiu was standing, and spots a tiger. He turns and gets scared. "AH!" He runs out the bathroom and slips. **

**Sima Yi: "Am I missing a tooth?" Sima Yi shows Cao pi his teeth, having a tooth gone.**

**Cao Pi: "Oh-ho-ho!" *snickers***

**Crying baby noises. They open a door to reveal Adou.**

**Sima Yi: "Whose baby is that?"**

**Jia Xiu: "Check its collar or something."**

**Out at a resturaunt **

**Sima Yi: "I've looked everywhere. No one's seen Guo Jia."**

**Cao pi: "I've never been this hungover..."**

**Jia Xiu: "What's on your arm?"**

**Sima Yi: "You were at the hospital last night."**

**Jia Xiu: "Hahahaha!"**

**Sima Yi: *mocking laughing* **

**They walk out of the hospital.**

**Cao pi: The only important thing now is that we find Guo Jia.**

***Police sirens***

**Cao Ren: Where's your car, officer?**

**Sima Yi: "Oh god..."**

**Switches to a hospital with Zhuge Liang as the doctor. **

**Zhuge Liang: I think it was just you guys and one other guy.**

**Sima Yi: Was he okay?**

**Zhuge Liang: He was fine, just whacked out of his mind.**

**Jia Xiu: Hahahah! We were so messed up...**

**Wedding chapel**

**Sima Yi: Is there anything you can tell us what happened last night? **

**Jia Xiu: "Congratulations to you. You got married." Sima Yi spits out his drink. ****Zhen Ji was holding Adou and it shows a ring on her finger.**

**Sima Yi: She is wearing my grandmother's Holocaust ring!**

**Jia Xiu: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.**

**Xiahou Dun and other police burst in, holding guns. The three hold their hands up. **

**Xiahou Dun: These gentlemen have volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect. **

**Three: What the- What?" Xiahou Dun shoots the stun gun onto Jia Xiu.**

**Jia Xiu: OH GOD!**

**Xiahou Dun: In the face! IN THE FAAACE! **

**Jia Xiu: Yow!**

**Sima Yi: "Are you sure you're qualified to take care of that baby?" Sima Yi opens the car door, hitting Adou that Jia Xiu was holding. "Oh my god!"**

**Cai Wenji: We're getting married in five hours!**

**Cao Pi: Yeah...that's not gonna happen...**

**Random scenes of them doing stuff**

**Sima Yi: WHAT IS GOING ON?!**

**The Hangover**

**Dian Wei: Shh!**

**Cao Pi: Dian Wei? (Mike Tyson?)**

**Dian Wei: "This is my favorite part coming up." He acts like he was playing the drums and then punches Jia Xiu in the face.**

**Sima Yi: He's still got it...**

* * *

**The first part was Family Guy and that last part was obviously The Hangover. **

**Funny things found in Hangover trailer**

**Dian Wei punched Jia Xiu, and he was the one that killed him.**

**Dian Wei is Mike Tyson because he has that tattoo back at DW6 that really reminded me of Mike Tyson. **

**At the end of the movie, Stu breaks it off with his wife because he was sick of her controlling his life. Remind you of two people that were used in here? **

**Xiahou Dun was happy when Jia Xiu had the stun gun shot at him. In DW8, he did not approve of Cao Cao recruiting him because he killed Dian Wei so this was a good thing for him. **

**I guess I was implying Sima Yi is Jewish here because of the Holocaust ring scene. **

**Sima Yi is pretty much jammed with every other woman in DW before DW8, so I chose a random woman out of a hat to be his "mistake."**


	3. Chapter 3

**That's My Boy trailer staring Zhang Fei and Zhang Bao. **

**Scene of Zhang Fei if he were thirteen. **

**Everyone Has A Teenage Crush **

**More scenes of him.**

**Zhang Fei's**

**Zhen Ji eating gum in front of young Zhang Fei.**

**Went A Little Too Far (Excuse me, let me puke now...)**

***Please Stand By...***

**CLACK CLACK**

**Wang Yi: Alright, everybody. The fact this has resulted in a pregnancy this leaves me no choice but to elevate the maximum penalty. **

**Zhen Ji: Take care of our baby, Zhang Fei! (Wait...let me puke some more...)**

**Guan Yu's fist hitting Zhang Fei: Dumbass. **

**30 years LATER**

**Zhang Fei now: *drinks can* So, what'd the IRS say?"**

**Taishi Ci: You've hadn't paid taxes since '94, Zhang Fei! **

**Cake that says "Good Luck in Prison, Zhang Fei!"**

**Zhang Fei: I'm going to prison if I don't get 43 lives.**

**Strip club **

**Zhang Fei: Holy cow, that's my boy! He moved out when he turned 18, I haven't seen him since.**

**Diao Chan: He is one of the youngest hedge fund managers in the financial industry. **

**Zhu Rong: Maybe your son can help you.**

**Fancy house**

**Sun Shang Xiang: Zhang Bao, your old man is here.**

**Zhang Fei: Whazzzuuuuppp?! Zhang Bao spits his drink in Lian Shi's lap.**

**Zhang Bao: Zhang Fei! What are you doing here?**

**Zhang Fei: What type of guy misses his son's wedding?**

**Zhang Bao: You're basically the worst parent ever!**

**Zhang Fei: I was awesome!**

**Zhang Bao: You let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast everyday! **

**Zhang Fei: That's what you asked for!**

**Zhang Bao: You're supposed to say no!**

**Zhang Fei: I didn't know what I was doing, I was thirteen, fourteen years old.**

**Zhang Bao: You know what I remember? It was me driving you home because you were too drunk!**

**Zhang Fei: Somebody's hammed and they have another guy drive home!**

**Zhang Bao: I was eight! **

**Zhang Fei: You drove like a champ too. Hah?**

**From Koei Pictures**

**Zhang Fei: Give me another chance. Get to know me a little bit.**

**Yue Ying: You guys have fun at the bachelor party!**

**Zhang Fei: Haha! This is gonna be awesome!**

**Zhang FEI **

**Zhu Rong: Don't forget, you're gonna go to prison on Tuesday.**

**Zhang Fei: I'm just trying to be a dad right now.**

**Zhang BAO**

**Zhang Fei: You wear a bathing suit in the shower?**

**Zhang Bao: I can't even take my shirt off in front of other people.**

**Zhang Fei: What did I do this time?**

**Zhang Bao: Let me jog your memory. He turns around to have a giant tattoo on his back.**

**Zhang Fei: AH! Hahahaha! New Kids on the Block! Their heads are all wrapped now!**

**Zhang Bao: That's because I got it in third grade! My body grew! **

**Zhang Fei: Hahahahahahaha!  
**

**Zhang Bao: You suck.**

**Whoo! A car zips on a street. Zhang Bao punches Huang Zhong.**

**Zhang Fei: That's my boy!**

**SSX: Ever since you showed up, Zhang Bao's been acting like a different person!**

**Baseball field**

**Zhang Fei: Bao! You all set, buddy?**

**Zhang Bao: Please don't hit it to me...Please don't hit it to me...**

**Zhang Fei: Here you go, big man! He throws a ball up and hits the ball. The ball flies directly into Zhang bao's jaw. **

**OOHH!**

**HUAR...**

**That's My Boy**

**Zhang Fei: Throw it in there, homie!**

**Zhang Bao: I think the ball's broken...**

**SSX: Throw it, you big vagina! Do it! A small Xiahou Ba goes to pick the ball up and throws it well to the pitcher. **

**OOOH! Zhang Bao just looks at Xiahou Ba and shrugs.**

**Ok, maybe another one. Here's Horrible Bosses with Sima Yi, Zhuge Liang, and Zhou Yu. **

**Koei Bro's **

**New Tecmo Cinema**

**Cao Cao pours a drink. **

**Cao Cao: You want one?**

**Sima Yi: It's 8:15 AM.**

**Cao Cao: It's 18 year-old scotch.**

**Kmpa...**

**Cao Cao: If you want a promotion, you've gotta earn it. Sima Yi drinks the scotch and is disgusted but forces himself to drink it. **

**Sima Yi: Ugh...Koff...**

**Bar**

**SY: Did I tell you Cao Cao tricked me into having a drink at eight o'clock this morning?**

**Zhuge Liang: At least your boss isn't sexually harassing you...**

**Zhen Ji: "Let's see if this thing's working..." She sprays water onto Zhuge Liang's pants. "Ohh! I can make out our little friend right there..." She continues to spray water onto Zhuge Liang's pants. **

**Zhuge Liang: Stop it!**

**Zhen Ji: ...Someone circumcised...**

**Bar**

**Zhou Yu: You know, yours doesn't sound too bad...**

**Sun Ce: We need to trim some of the fat. **

**Zhou Yu: What do you mean by "trim the fat?"**

**Sun Ce: I want you to fire the fat people. We can start with Large Chu. Xu Chu? Can you come here, please?**

**Zhou Yu: What?**

**Zhuge Liang: I thought he was going to give you a promotion. **

**Sima Yi: No, he is. **

**Cao Cao: "I have decided who I want to be our new vice president of sales." A pause. "Me." **

**Sima Yi: What'd he say? **

**Cao Cao: Sima Yi, please. We're at a meeting. **

**Sima Yi: Sorry.**

**Cao Cao: That's all right, I can tribute this to your drinking problem.**

**Bar**

**Zhou Yu: You'd gotta admit, our lives would be much easier if our bosses weren't alive. **

**Sun Ce: You can fire Professor Xavier.**

**Zhou Yu: You mean Han Dang?**

**Sun Ce: Creeps me out. Rolling all day in that "special" little secret chair. **

**Zhuge Liang: I don't care how bad our bosses are, we're not murderers. **

**Zhen Ji: "This little sweetheart here." She points to Yue Ying lying on the chair. **

**ZL: My fiance. **

**Zhen Ji: "Is going to get a peek at my little photo album." She shows him suggestive photos of her and him doing suggestive things. **

**Zhuge Liang: You did all this while I was unconscious? **

**Zhen Ji: Oh...that's my favorite...**

**Scene switch**

**Zhuge Liang: I'm in! Let's kill this bitch!**

**This Summer**

**Sima Yi: We've gotta hire a professional.**

**Zhou Yu: Does anyone here kill people for money?**

**Dian Wei: I am going to be your murder consultant. **

**Wer...**

**Dian Wei: "We're going to pull off a murder that's going to look like an accident." Sima Yi and Zhou Yu slide under a garage door, leaving Zhuge Liang to to hit the closed door. **

**Dah!**

**DW: You've gotta be smart.**

**Zhuge Liang: "That's gotta be worth fifteen thousand-"**

**He drops a package of cocaine on the carpet. **

**Zhuge Liang: I feel like this is gonna work out. Look at how fast I can pick up this crap, you know? I'm moving, like, super fast, can't even feel-**

**SY: Alright. **

**Dian Wei: Find them vulnerable. **

**Cao Cao falls down with Zhuge liang coming out of his car. **

**ZL: That was a peanut and jelly sandwich! Are you not good with peanuts?**

**ZY: Whoa, look at this.**

**Zhuge Liang stabs Cao cao with a shot.**

**"What about little jabs? Little jabs?" He stabs the shot thing into Cao Cao's neck.**

**Sima Yi: The man we're trying to kill was dying in front of you and you saved his life?**

**Zhuge Liang: Well, that sounds bad when you say it like that.**

**Zhou Yu: I was surveillancing your boss and she is incredibly hot.**

**Zhuge liang: Don't talk about how hot she is.**

**Zhou Yu: "She makes herself a little snack." Zhen Ji is shown eating certain food suggestively. ****"A popsicle. A banana. And finally, a hot dog. And eating them in that weird order, that's not a proper meal."**

**Sima Yi: It's cold to hot.**

**Cao Cao: I can crush you anytime I want. **

**Cao cao's SUV crashes the car and throws everyone in in disorder.**

**WWWHHHHOOOOAAAA!**

**Zhang Liao: Mind explaining why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone?**

**Sima Yi: I was drag racing.**

**Pang De: In a Prius?**

**Sima Yi:...I don't win a lot...**

**Horrible Bosses**

***static***

**Zhang Chunhua looks through papers and reads them. (Atticus Finch is a good lawyer because he's a good person who's a lawyer.) She acts exasperated and writes with her red pen. "Stupid point...Misspelled..." In all of the papers she wrote stupid in red lettering. "...Is this English...?" She makes crossing out marks in anger. Another paper had Jesus Christ. "Are...you...f***ing...kidding...me...?" She slams the papers on her desk. "Pathetic. This is why the Japs are overtaking us. And believe me, I don't mean you."**

**"But we're working really hard!" Zhang Chunhua grabs the papers and scatters them over the students. **

**"You're not working hard enough! I need results! Class dismissed."**

***static***

**Zhang Bao stands high up on a tall structure holding Xing Cai. Guan Ping runs and sees him. "It's about time, Guan Ping!" **

**"Guan Ping!" **

**"Huh? Xing Cai!"**

**"Oh Guan Ping, it's you! I'm glad you're still alive!"**

**"I had a feeling you would show up, Guan Ping."**

**"What choice did I have? I can't just rely on you to save Xing Cai, could I?"**

**"Alright. Here you go." Zhang Bao holds Xing Cai high above his head. "Huh?" **

**"Ready?"**

**"Wait, Zhang Bao! You don't really think you're going to-"**

**"Hold on now...You wouldn't dare!" Zhang Bao winds up. "Look out below!" He throws Xing Cai with her screaming. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"**

**"Gah! You're insane!" Xing Cai's face was extremely terrified as she was screaming.**

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She hits Guan Ping directly in his chest. "DOOWWWWAHHHH!" Xing Cai gets up, angry. "Gah! Damn you, Zhang Bao!"**

**"You idiot! What if I didn't catch her?!"**

***static***

**Sima Zhao walks in the door, "I'm home-" Sima Yi roundhouse kicks him and Sima Zhao falls upside-down. "You let your guard down. Always stay alert when you enter a room and you're late for dinner again."**

**"Come on! Is that any way to welcome your own son after he just risked his life to help a spirit find peace?!"**

**"Silence! Also, it's the ghost's fault now, is it? I suppose it was ghosts that left your room a mess? When are you going to show some discipline?" They begin to hit each other. **

***static***

**Eye opens and you see Guan Yinping with sunglasses. "Turururururu. Tururururu. Tururururu." Guan Xing grabs her mouth angrily that makes her stop. "What are you doing?" **

***static***

**Xiao Qiao sees a cockroach near her and yells out, "****SAVE ME!" She breaks out of the closet. "Health...HEALTH ME!" She runs to Zhou Yu. "It's help me, got it? You're so noisy." **

**"I can't! It's greasy oil! "Shape", "shape up now!" **

**"It's help me, got it?"**

**"Pulp", ..."Pulp fiction!"**

**"It's Help me, got it?" Sun Ce sees a giant cockroach on his back. "GYYAAAA! Herpes! HERPES ME!"**

**"It's help me, got it?"**

***static***

**Sima Shi was yelling out,"Kamehameha!" Nothing happened and Jia Chong and Sima Zhao were watching without him noticing. "That's not quite right...Maybe I should do this..." He gets back into position. "Ka...me...ha...me-" Shi sees the two standing there behind him. Then they were walking with Shi's hand on his face in embarrassment. Sima Zhao comments,"...We didn't see anything..." **

**"Sorry. I thought I was absolutely alone..."**

***static***

**Sima Zhao was puking censored barf that made tweeting noises. Guan Yinping says out, "Oh, sound effects! You can use sound effects to cover it up! I'll give it a try!" She pukes also, and that makes tweeting noises. Zhang Bao looks at them, "Ugh...Watching them throw-up makes me want to-BLRA- *tweeting noises*. The whole scene is just them puking with a funny sound censoring it. **

***static***

**Cao Cao was "humanboarding" with the emperor being the humanboard. "Wait, his underwear! He slows down when I tug on his underwear!" Xiahou Dun acts surprised, "What?! You can control humanboards with their underwear?!" He tries that on his humanboard who happens to be Sun Ce. "Oh, it's like a brake of some sorts! But we're leaving a strange track. What is this?"**

**"It's the track left by the brake."**

**"The brake?! Where would there be a brake on the human body?"**

**"The penile brake! When I pull on his underwear, his penis extends like a brake." **

***static***

**Zhuge liang tells the class, "Ok, children, let's now start a few new math problems. What's 5 times 4? Come on, children don't be shy, give it your best shot. Yes, Jiang Wei?"**

**"Twelve?" **

**"Now, let's get an answer from someone who is not a complete retard."**

***static***

* * *

**First two were movie trailers, third one was from Bad Teacher, fourth and fifth were from Bleach, the rest was Gintama, and that very last one was South Park.**

**Want to know my original idea for the first trailer? Sima Yi and Sima Zhao or Cao Cao or Cao Pi. The thought of Sima Yi being a drunkard is not...eh...right...and Cao Cao fits slightly, but not enough as Zhang Fei. **

**What? I made Zhang Chunhua swear almost, yes. And her being that teacher seems so fitting for me...Maybe it's because I made her a teacher in another story...**

**Please, Zhang B****ao has Ichigo's voice, how could I NOT make that reference? **

**Sima Yi roundhouse kicking Zhao seems fitting. But the even funnier thing is that after a few more minutes, Isshin goes crying to a poster of his wife. Now, think about that with Sima Yi for a bit... **

**Guan Yinping does remind me of Kagura. Xiao Qiao also in terms of personality. **

**Xiahou Dun was Toshiro Hijikata since he shares seiyuus with him. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Xiahou Ba pushes Cao cao on a shopping cart. "Where are we going?"**

**"Keep going straight. You tired?"**

**"Ye...eah...You shouldn't...drive so much..."**

**Meet Cao Cao**

**Cao cao gets bread from a shelf and sticks them down his pants. Xiahou Ba asks him, "Are we gonna get in trouble for this?"**

**"They won't know a thing. This is what it looks like most of time anyway." The scene changes to Cao cao dropping bread and running out with Zhen Ji running after him.**

**He's on a journey **

**Across China**

**"I'm taking you to your dad's so he can look after you." Cao Cao crashes his car through a sign. "Come on, let's have some fun." He crashes his car on a penguin stand and breaks it. Xiahou Dun says to him, "You're going to fix that penguin." **

**"Nope."**

**Koei presents**

**"Grandpa, this ride doesn't work." Cao cao gets into the small ride. "Oh god..." He gives it a few taps. "Nothing." The ride springs up and into the store with him on it then he falls out. "AH! Ow! Agh...!" **

**Xiahou Ba kicks a leg off of Cao cao's chair and he falls as people look in shock.**

**XB: "I'm hungry."**

**CC: "Follow my lead." Cao cao takes a glass from a champagne tower and it falls with him trying to save it and he breaks the table. Xiahou Ba takes the messed-up cake and eats it. **

**Random lady: "I outa take that child away from you!"**

**CC: "I'm sorry."**

**Random lady: "You should be sorry!**

**CC: You're very pretty...**

**Random lady: You're pissing me off!**

**Skip a few scenes to this:**

**CC: Want to have some fun?**

**XB: *Face stuffed with bread* Yeah...**

**Cao cao walks Xiahou Ba in little girl clothing into a building. "You're a pretty little girl, got it?"**

**Skip more things...**

**Xiahou Ba is in a sailor's outfit and acting on a prop boat. It was all innocent until he rips off his salior's outfit to reveal him in stripper clothes. Warrent's Cherry Pie plays and the prop boat turns into a pole with small stage. He begins to dance suggestively and on the pole as people watched in shock and horror. Cao cao gets on stage to throw dollar bills at Xiahou Ba. The judges were left in shock. **

**Bad Grandpa**

**Random guy: Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. **

**CC: I'm 86 years old!**

**R G: Don't hurt me. He walks backwards with his bike.**

***static***

**Crying baby noises with Sima Yi lying on the bed. **

**Zhang Chunhua: ****It's your turn. **

**SY: I'm awake. **

**Sima Yi walks down the hallway, tripping on something. **

**Meet Sima Yi**

**Shots of him taking care of his sons. **

**Family Man**

**Guo Jia lying on his bed funny. **

**Meet Guo Jia**

**A sexy woman walks into Guo Jia's room. "So, what am I tonight? A burglar?" She removes her jacket in front of Guo Jia. **

**GJ: Oh hello!**

**Single Man **

**SY: Tell me about your women. **

**GJ: I've been keeping company with a number of nice ladies. **

**SY: What is her name?**

**GJ: That is Lian Shi. **

**SY: Wow.**

**GJ: I have to make her cry first, but it's worth it. This one here is Zhu Rong. **

**SY: Whew!**

**GJ: She wants it in a wheelbarrow, Arabian Goggles, the Arsenio Hall-**

**SY: Who-who-who-Whoa. I even don't know what these are! **

**GJ: You're married. **

**SY: Good point.**

**The two walk in the city. **

**SY: You're living the dream, Guo Jia. Having children, it's like living with little mini drug addicts. **

**Guo Jia turns to look at him funny. **

**SY: They're laughing one minute, and they're crying the next. They're trying to kill themselves in your bathroom for no good reason. They're very mean, selfish, and they burn through all your money. And they break-**

**GJ: Guy, guy, guy, come on. **

**The next shot is them peeing in a fountain. **

**SY: You know, I was just saying that I envy your life, Guo Jia. **

**GJ: I envy yours. **

**Both: I wish I had your life.**

***thunder and lighting* **

**Guo Jia wakes up and hits the wall in front of him. **

**GJ: Guo Jia? Why am I in your apartment...?**

**SY: Open the door!**

**When Guo Jia opened the door, the two both look in surprise at their own faces. **

**SY(as Guo Jia): I knew it.**

**Change is Coming**

**SY(as Guo Jia): You wished for my life back when we were pissing in that fountain!**

**GJ(as Sima Yi): We wished for each other's lives! **

**SY(as GJ-you get, right?): I was just trying to be nice!**

**GJ: OH MY GOD! **

**Guo Jia is Sima Yi**

**Sima Yi is Guo Jia**

**SY: For the first time in your life, you're good-looking, you're single, what's going on between us is crazy, but what's more crazy is not to use it.**

**Wang Yi walks in the room. **

**WY: Have we met?**

**SY: Hold on, you two should go out.**

**GJ: Wait, what?**

**Wang Yi and Guo Jia are at dinner. **

**GJ: How do you like working with Sima Yi?**

**WY: Actually, I used to kinda having a crush on him.**

**GJ:*talking through teeth* Oooh...noooo...you diiiiidn't...**

**WY: No, but he's married, so obviously-**

**GJ: Obviously, obviously! Obviously... Super married... **

**The two walk in the driveway of this big house.**

**SY: What do I tell Chunhua? She wants to have sex tonight.**

**GJ: You're not having sex with my wife, Guo Jia!**

**SY: She comes in like a hurricane, a guy can only withstand so much.**

**Shots of you-know-who...well...removing clothing?**

**SY: I am going to ruin her! Oh my god...**

***fart noises***

**I need to cool it on the Thai food!**

**SY: Oh my god... He sinks under the bed covers.**

**The Change-Up**

**Zhang Chunhua gets into bed with "Sima Yi". **

**SY: No, no, no, no, no! Don't back that thing up to me! I can't believe you're coming at me, guns hot!**

***static***

**Zhang Bao yells at Yue Ying. "Um..." The shot changes to a truck with censored objects sticking out of the back. "Which one?"**

**"What the hell's going on?! There all these d*cks sticking out of the truck! How many d*cks does the owner have? How greedy was he?!" Guan Xing interrupts him, "No, those are peniclams from Planet Seafood. They look very similar to the male organ of Earth humans, but they're known to be delicious." **

**"Don't you mean dicklicious?! Why are they so similar? In both name and appearance?"**

**"They must have fallen out of the box. This is bad... We can't tell which one is the old man's d*ck!"**

*static*

**Sun Ce is in the bathroom and is front of this board. Lu Xun, Lu Meng, and Zhou Yu see him there. "I...can't...pull it out..." The three walk away and left the bathroom, leaving Sun Ce in tears. **

*static*

**Zhao Yun says to Ma Chao, "Phht, screw gravity!" He floats up with Ma Chao looking up in a amazement.**

***static***

**Bao Sanniang has her purse being taken by Wei Yan. "Someone help me, I'm being robbed!" Guan Suo runs to them. "I'll save you! tree powers, activate!" He just turns into a tree. **

***static***

**Jiang Wei looks at his watch. "I forgot how to breathe."**

***static***

**Ma Dai laughs at the book he is holding. "Haha...I can't read..."**

***static***

* * *

**The first two are trailers, next two were Gintama, and last ones were more asdf.**

**I'm aware Cao cao is not Xiahou Ba's grandpa. But you can imagine Cao cao being that bad grandpa from Bad Grandpa. I certainly can't use Sima Yi for this even though he is a grandparent, but really? Him taking Sima Yan on silly adventures? That's something I would love to see, but Cao Cao seems more fitting. **

**Sima Yi and Guo Jia would totally work in the Change-Up. What? **

**I have officially ruined my image of Zhang Chunhua now...**

**You can really imagine Zhao Yun saying "Screw gravity."**


	5. Chapter 5

***static***

**Zhen Ji was fanning at someone in the reflection of sunglasses. It zooms out to show Cao Cao dozing off, then he abruptly yells out "Oppa Warrior Style!" He relaxes near a children's playground and people started to look at him. It switches briefly of Cao cao singing and walking in a horse stable. Then back, Xiao Qiao starts to dance like that little boy in the Gangnam Style MV, then kicks Cao Cao in the face. It switches to Cao Pi walking against a strong wind, ****mixed with ice and snow created by Sima Yi and Cao cao in a nearby area. He was ****holding Zhen Ji and Cai Wenji on both of his arms. **

**It switches to Sima Zhao leaning over to Xu Chu as if he were dozing off while you see Xiahou Dun "stretching" or dancing in the sauna. Switches to Liu Bei sitting next to Huang Zhong and Huang Gai playing a board game. More of Xiahou Dun's "stretching." Shots of Guo Jia in a party bus, singing, then it switches to Sun Quan posing, and an explosion is made by Lu Xun. Gan Ning and Ling Tong jump away from it. Sun Quan walks up to the screen, "Oppa Warrior Style!" **

**Scene of various Shu (This WILL include Ma Chao and Ma Dai.) and Wu with Sun Ce doing the horse dance. Zhen Ji, Cai Wenji, and Wang Yi walk backward away from Guo jia who was chasing after them while dancing the horse dance. Then Zhuge Liang was leading with "Hey, sexy ladies!" part with Ma Chao and Ma Dai sitting on horses. Xing Cai, Guan Yinping, and Yue ying were the women that were next to the horses. Guo Jia was dancing his way near the Wei and Wu women doing yoga. He was yelling at Zhen Ji's behind and she kicks him. Shots of Sima Shi in that party bus, Xiahou Ba doing the dance on a boat. **

**Cao Cao was standing with three of the Wei women and a yellow car pulls up. Yuan Shao gets out in big sunglasses and a yellow suit. He taps Cao Cao's shoulder and they get in a dance battle. **

**That elevator scene with Cao Pi (unamused) under the legs of Zhang He doing that "dance" in the video and he was singing that verse. Yuan Shao walks off from Cao cao and gets into his sports car to drive off. **

**Guo Jia was slowly dancing onto the train and sees Zhang Chunhua. He slowly gets closer to her and the music stops abruptly when Sima Yi stands in front of him with a disapproving face. He has Zhen Ji instead and dances the horse dance with Li Dian, Yue Jin, Wang Yuanji, and Wang Yi in the back. **

**Deng Ai sticks his face above water singing "Oppa Warrior Style!" with Zhuge Dan in with him and looking at him weirdly. Shots of Jiang Wei doing the dance in the crosswalk. Zhong Hui messing around in that tub. Guo jia back at the station singing, "Aaaay, sexy ladies!" The men went under the women's legs as the women did the horse dance. **

**At the stable, Sun Ce was singing the "Aaay, sexy ladies!" with all of the women in all kingdoms along with Sun Quan, Sun Jian, Zhou Yu, and Taishi Ci. **

**Everyone from all kingdoms gathered while Sima Zhao was singing to Wang Yuanji and did those dancing moves near her. Guo Huai then sings in a closed location. If you thought toilet, you're wrong, he was taking a blood pressure in the doctor's office. **

**The music stops for a moment, then to continue with everyone dancing the horse dance with Sima Yi leading. They all stop to pose when the music ended.**

***static***

**Version 2**

**Wang Yuanji was fanning in a reflection. It zooms out to show Sima Zhao relaxing in front of a playground. He yells out, "Oppa Warrior Style!" It switches for a bit to Zhao walking a stable. Xiahou Ba starts to dance like that kid and it switches to Sun Ce walking against wind and snow-ish stuff with Lian Shi and Sun Shang Xiang on both his sides. **

**In a sauna, Li Dian leans over to Cao Ren as if dozing off while Zhang Liao is "stretching" or dancing. Zuo Ci was playing a board game with Zhang Jiao as watches. More of Zhang Liao "stretching" in front of Li Dian and Cao Ren. Shots of Jia Xu in the part bus, then it switches to Sima Shi posing, causing an explosion behind him with Deng Ai and Guo Huai jumping away from it. He walks up to the screen, "Oppa Warrior Style!"**

**Various Wei and Jin do the horse dance with Cao Cao leading. Xiao Qiao and Da Qiao walk backwards as Cao Cao chases after them while doing the horse dance. He dances his way to women's yoga class and looks at Lian Shi's behind with an overly exaggerated amazement. Shots of Ma Dai in that party bus. Then a shot of Huang Gai doing the dance on a ship. **

**Sima Yi was standing next to Zhang Chunhua and Wang Yuanji and singing that verse until a green car pulls up. Zhuge Liang comes out in a green suit and big sunglasses. He taps Sima Yi's shoulder and they get into a dance battle.**

**Sima Zhao lies underneath Jia Chong's legs (He's doing that dance in the MV.) as he was singing a verse. The doors close. Zhuge Liang walks away from Sima Yi to drive away in his green sports car. **

**Cao Cao was doing the "lasso" as he walked onto the train and sees Zhen Ji dancing on the pole. He gets closer to her, only to have the music stopping abruptly when Cao pi stands in front of him with a disapproving face. He stands with Wang Yi and dances the horse dance with Pang De, Xiahou Dun, Lian Shi, and Yue Ying. The men go under the legs of the women and did I think were push-ups.**

**"Aaaay, sexy ladies!" Guo Jia does the horse dance at a stable with all of the women in DW along with Lu Xun, Zhong Hui, and Ma Chao. Everyone gathered around while Sun Quan was dancing with Lian Shi and singing. It switches to Zhang Fei singing in an enclosed location that is later revealed to the toilet. Everyone does the horse dance with Sima Shi leading and when the music stops, they all pose with their hands on their chins. **

***sta****tic***

**Guo Huai stands in front of his cannon boredly. **

**CAAANNNNNNOOOON PEEEENNNIS **

***static***

**A shadowy figure is seen and music starts playing. The figure is revealed to have Sima Yi in an Assassin's Creed costume.**

**How many fools can I kill today?**

**Too many to count**

**Don't get in my way**

***static***

**Dong Zhou sits at a table with people. "Everyone knows that Dong Zhou's the best. There's nothing more to say. Cause I've got this treasure map-" Jia Xu runs up and snatches the map while in a Assassin's Creed costume. **

**Yo-ho! Yo-ho! **

**Dong Zhou pushes a random woman and goes after Jia Xu. **

**A pirate's life for me!**

**Yo-ho! Yo-ho!**

**Murderin' fools for free**

***static***

**(Shi's singing is in bold, Zhao's singing is lighter. When they are both singing, it will be italic.)**

**Sima Zhao walks up to the screen with fog blowing around him in a vest with dress shirt. **

Sometimes you have bad days

**Sima Shi walks out behind Zhao, also in a dress shirt with vest.**

**Days when you think nothing can bring you up**

But if you got a girl

You've got nothing to worry about

**Sima Zhao was sitting next to Wang Yuanji, both were looking bored. **

**Just listen here**

**And we'll tell you just what's up**

**It fades away for a moment and the music is more up-beat. It then had Shi and Zhao dancing with women. **

Grab your girl and have some Dixon Cider

**Sima Zhao gets a jug of cider and pours it all over Wang Yuanji. **

**And show her love with your Dixon Cider**

And fill her full with lots of Dixon Cider

_**In her mouth hole**_

_**Flowing down inside her**_

**Then grab her grandma**

**Get some Dixon Cider**

**Sima Shi takes a jug of cider and pours it onto Zhang Chunhua. ****Sima Yi was staring with his mouth open as it was happening. **

Too old to handle

All the Dixon Cider

**And show your family your Dixon Cider**

***static***

**Gan Ning was in a leather jacket and singing heavy metal. **

**You'll never know the wondrousness, **

**He goes to Ling Tong who was eating noodles in a bowl and knocked it out of his hands. He pops out with his own bowl of noodles.**

**'Cause you are now the stupidest,**

**Gan Ning appears above Ling Tong up-side down.**

**And I'm the king of awesomeness!**

**I give it all for-**

**Gan Ning walks and an explosion happens behind him. **

**Love the taste of-**

**He is seen on a plane, surfing it. **

**I'm on my knees for-**

**He is praying to a Zhuge Liang picture whom he mistaken for Jesus.**

**Take the girth of- **

**He is riding a narwhal. **

**P.E.N Fifteen! **

**He is stabbing Cao Cao with a trident and is flying with it. **

**Can't get enough of-**

**Gan Ning knocks out more noodles out of Ling Tong's hands.**

**P.E.N Fifteen!**

**Dedicate my life to-**

**P.E.N Fifteen!**

**Gan Ning shows off his shirt to the Wu audience he had. It had "I heart PEN15."**

**The audience starts to snicker. Gan Ning looks at his shirt closely. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"**

***static***

* * *

**It's Smosh for all the ones here. The first two were obviously Gangnam Style.**

**When I heard "How many fools can I kill today?" in that song, I automatically think of Sima Yi saying that. I know Jia Xu would work also since he's Assassin Creed material.**

**When I started to think about it, every time I play Guo Huai, I think of Smosh's "CANNON PENIS" thing they did on a video once. **

**If you didn't get the joke for Dixon Cider, think very dirty and say it very slowly. Or just look at the comments of YouTube. **

**If you look at PEN15 closely, it resembles a certain word. **

**So many dick jokes...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Zhang Chunhua was talking to Sima Zhao. "So, Zhao-" Sima Yi blows a raspberry right when she says Zhao.**

**"What are you doing? Anyway, Zhao-"**

***blows raspberry***

**"Why are you making fart noises when someone says "Zhao?"**

***blows raspberry* **

**Jia Chong says out, "So, how were your studies today, Zhao?" **

***blows raspberry* ****Sima Shi snickers and says to Sima Yi. **

**"Zhao."**

***blows raspberry***

**"Zhao!"**

***Louder raspberry* **

**"Zhao, Zhao, Zhao, Zhao, Zhao, Zhao, Zhao!"**

***Seven raspberries blown to the pattern* "Ngh!" Sima Yi gets a chair to the face from Zhang Chunhua.**

***static***

**"Mm, yum." Liu Bei cuts into a cake and it yells out in pain with Zhang Fei's voice.**

**"WAAAAAAAAH! Why would you do this?! I have a wife and family!"**

**"Noooo!"**

**"Ahhh! The pain! It's unbearable!"**

**"What have I done?"**

**"Argh! Tell my children I love them." The cake moves closer off the table edge. Two baby cakes yelled out in Zhang Bao's and Xing Cai's voice, "Daddy!"**

**"Argh!" The cake falls.**

**"NOOO!"**

**"NOOO!"**

**It splatters all over the floor.**

***static***

**(CC is on ecstasy) Cao Cao starts to rub Cao Pi's hair while they were sitting on a couch along with Dian Wei.**

**"Oh, Pi, your hair is so soooft." He starts to touch his ears. **

**"Ooh, your ears are like... people ears..." Cao Cao then starts to roll and hug the couch. **

**"Oooh, this coouch... Naagh..." His hands move over to Dian Wei's head. **

**"Dian Wei... your head is so smooth... How is that even...? How you doing that...? Aaah, everything here is fantastic..." He slides off the couch, moaning and groaning.**

**"Nraaagh... Aaaah... these clothes..." He starts to remove his clothing in his drugged state as Cao Pi and Dian Wei continued staring at a TV. **

** *static***

**Xiao Qiao sits next to Zhou Yu with a pie on a tray. "Hey, Zhou Yu, I baked you a pie."**

**"Oh, wow, that looks delicious." He takes a piece and takes a bite. "This is good, what's in it?"**

**"Well.. there's some apples, and some cinnamon... and my hair..." Zhou Yu stops chewing. "What?"**

**"My hair's in the pie, Zhou Yu. Now it's inside of you. Part of me... is inside of you, Zhou Yu. Do you feel me, Zhou Yu? Do you feel me inside of you? She gets off the couch and walks off. Sun Ce walks up.**

**"Ooh, you got some pie. Can I have a piece?"**

**"Uuh... sure..." He gives Sun Ce his plate. **

**"Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Whwip."**

**"What'd you say?"**

**"You can't have a pie without Cool Whwip."**

**"Cool Whwip?"**

**"Cool Whwip, yeah."**

**"You mean Cool Whip?"**

**"Yeah, Cool Whwip."**

**"Cool Whip."**

**"Cool Whwip."**

**"Cool Whip."**

**"Cool Whwip."**

**"You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "h"?"**

**"What are you talking about? You put Cool Whwip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whwip."**

**"Say whip."**

**"Whip."**

**"Now say Cool Whip."**

**"Cool Whwip."**

**"Cool Whip."**

**"Cool Whwip."**

***more sternly* "Cool Whip."**

**"Cool Whwip."**

**"YOU'RE EATING HAIR!" Sun Ce spits out his pie.**

***static***

**A little Xiahou Ba giggles happily as Xiahou Yuan pretends to take his nose.**

**"Got your nose!" Xiahou Dun breaks down the door with a gun.**

**"Look out! He's got a nose!" He opens fire.**

***static***

**Zhao Yun opens a refrigerator to find it filled up with many bottle of white liquid. "Ma Chao, why is there so many bottles of milk in the refrigerator?"**

**"Oh, thanks for reminding me. Everyone, some of the milk is not milk, it's horse sperm. I'm a horse breeder now." When Ma Dai is about to eat a spoonful of cereal with "milk", he stops and stares at his spoon. He then slowly puts the spoon in his mouth and slowly chews. He takes another spoonful to slowly chew again.**

***static***

**Cao Cao walks up to a sign in the middle of the room. **

**"Put your head between these two restrained logs and win a free hat. Well, that's a no brainer." The camera pans to Sima Yi holding a pair of shears over a rope. "Come on, you skinny *BLEEP*. Do it."**

**Cao Cao puts his head between those two logs and waits. Sima Yi cuts the rope to have the two logs crush Cao's head. **

**"Hahahaha!"**

**The scene switches over to Cao Cao wearing a hat, face not disfigured because come on, you don't want that.**

**"Who's laughing now? I got my hat." **

***static***

* * *

**The first one was Family Guy, next was asdf, more Family Guy, than another asdf, than more Family Guy.**

**Making everyone act like total idiots is something I can do best at.**

**Yeah, Zhao is Meg in the first scene. Also, I had to rewrite out that entire scene in order to fit with their current situation. The original scene was Meg getting a job or something like that and almost everyone's mad at her.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sima Zhao was acting lovey-dovey with Wang Yuanji and she is shrugging the advances off while blushing.**

**"I love you."**

**"Stop, we're in public!" **

***more lovey-dovey gibberish* The camera pans over to Sima Shi with the "Forever Alone" meme face while a sad violin plays in the background.**

***static***

**Cao Pi tells Zhen Ji. "You're right, this relationship is over."**

**"Over?"**

**"Well, what's left to do except call it quits?"**

**"I thought we could take it to the next level!"**

**"Next level? What's beyond mind-numbing, tedious, and boring? I'll tell you what's beyond it. Death. No, thank you."**

**"But, Cao Pi-"**

**"I'm sorry, but it's time we based the truth. I have no romantic feelings for you."**

**"None?"**

**"None at all." Zhen Ji starts to tear up.**

**"Oh, com on, Zhen, crying doesn't solve anything. Believe me, it's better to end this now." He gives Zhen Ji a kiss on the forehead. "Goodbye, my friend."**

**"Oh, just get out!" Cao Pi turns to leave and Zhen Ji takes out a lighter and cigarette. When she flicks the light, Cao Pi ducks and rolls to the door quickly.**

**"What are you doing?"**

**"Nothing." Cao Pi opens the door to see Wang Yi. **

**"Oh, hi. You must be Cao Pi." **

**"Yeah." **

**"Forget it, Wang Yi, it's not gonna happen."**

**"What's not gonna happen?"**

**"I thought we could spice up our relationship with a threeway!"**

**"A threeway?"**

**"But then I realized you had no romantic feelings for me at all!"**

**"Now, hang on. I think you misinterpreted my remarks..." Wang Yi goes to hug Zhen Ji to comfort her. **

**"Aw, honey, I'm here for you."**

**"Now, see, you really need to be more clear about what you meant by the "next level. I'm fine with this. This could help."**

**"Oh, go to hell!" Zhen Ji shuts the door in Cao Pi's face. Cao Pi turns around to begin sobbing at the fact he just missed out on a threeway.**

***static***

**Xiahou Yuan was in a car with Xiahou Ba. He drives out the driveway with the back saying, "Just Married. (To my son.)" Cao Cao sees this and grabs Cao Pi's hand. Cao Pi immediately retracts his hand. **

**"No, Father." **

**"I don't know what normal is anymore."**

***static***

**Sima Shi and Sima Zhao as little kids (with British accents) run up to Zhang Chunhua holding something.**

**"Hey, mum, look at this thing I made for you!"**

**"No, look at the thing I made for you, mummy."**

**"Aw, you two don't need to compete for my affection." Sima Shi says out, "I can compete for your affection better than he can!" Sima Zhao says to him with a smile but is really pissed, "Hahah, it's funny because it's bullshit. By the way, when's Daddy coming home?"**

**"Zhao, your father has been gone for years now." **

**"Yes, I don't think he's coming back anytime soon."**

**"But he said he was just going down the shore."**

**"Your father said a lot of things." She looks off and mutters, "Like he had protection..."**

**"What?"**

**"Oh, nothing."**

***static***

**Guan Ping was eating cereal when Zhang Fei walks up to him.**

**"So, what are you getting me for Mother's Day?"**

**"You're not my mom." Zhang Fei looks over his shoulder with lip stick on. **

**"Or am I?" Guan Ping gets creeped out and the scene switches over to Zhang Fei talking on the phone. "Yeah, that idiot totally bought it. I'm getting a Father's Day AND a Mother's Day gift this year!" He jumps up in victory. "YEAAAAAAAH!"**

**LIFE HACK!**

***static***

**The Sima family was in a room when Jia Chong walks in. He had his eyes red and his hair stuck up like spikes.**

**"There's some awesome stuff in the garbage..."**

***static***

**Wei Yan talks to a woman with his caveman voice, "You. Me. Sex." They walk into a tent. Pang Tong turns to Huang Zhong, "Him legend."**

***static***

**Sima Yi walks into a room with Zhang Chunhua and they see a girl sitting on the bed.**

**"Sima Yi, there is a fangirl on our bed." **

**Sima Yi gets defensive and says, "Keep absolutely still, their vision is based on movement." **

**The two stand completely still. The fangirl is confused, "Where'd you go?"**

***static***

* * *

**First one was Smosh, next was from Two and a Half men, third was Family Guy, fourth was Nullmetal Alchemist (Fullmetal Alchemist Abridged), fifth was Smosh and the last ones were Family Guy.**

**What Jia Chong found was meth, FYI.**

**The original scene for the last parody was a hooker sitting on the bed, but I thought a fangirl is something Sima Yi is more likely to be scared of.**


End file.
